Dear elliptical machine in the basement.....

We've been together for 2.5 years now. You were good to me when I couldn't huff my way through level 1 for ten minutes. You were there for the after-work and the weekend workouts. But, we've grown apart. First it was the exercising outside. Now, I have to come clean. I've been cheating on you with a newer model at the work gym. There. I said it. He's more aerodynamic, and has all the newest bells and whistles. His level 7 resistance is just as good as your level 3. Couldn't you have just had more levels to make me feel better? Must you mock me with your 3s and 4s while I sweat in agony? And his incline, it's awesome. My a** is killing me, but I think it is working.

I know that I've been ignoring both of you these last holiday weeks, and don't think I haven't noticed your disapproving glances as I availed myself of the cheese tray. I was so looking forward to our reunion last night but you disappointed me. See, someone had removed my favorite trashy celeb magazine from the screen, and I could see your taunting. "Keep up the good work." "Burn those calories!" "Increase the pace!" "You can do it."

Just so you know, the machine at the gym is the strong, silent type. I may be visiting him more often. My friend Julie had a breakup with her treadmill and I don't think that will work for us... maybe we can ALL be together? A workout threesome if you will? Think about it.

And just so you readers out there don't think I am this super workout/buff personal trainer type, here's a transcript of last night's workout. Dan was working late, so it was me and the girls.

10 minutes in: "Mom, can we do dance party?" "Yeah, can we?" "pant pant pant ok let me pause it." I then pause the machine, chug some water, go over to the stereo, put my ipod on the speakers and blast it.

Lots of frantic dancing to 'Play that funky music white boy.'

20 minutes in: "pant pant please pant stop playing with Mommy's exercise pant ball."

21 minutes in: "pant do not play pant pant with the weights."

22 minutes in: "pant do not touch pant the exercise ball pant or naughty chair."

22.5 minutes in: Girls inexplicably remove their leggings, keep dancing and start fighting over the exercise ball.

23 minutes in: "naughty chair pant both of you pant on the stairs pant pant five minutes"

24 minutes in: "Moo pant do not pant play with the pant stuffed snowman pant no toys pant in naughty chair." Sweat wiping, momentary pause on doing the arms with the feet, reduction in resistance.

28 minutes in: "pant ok out of the naughty chair pant pant say you are sorry and hugs pant" "Do we have to kiss?" "Yes." "Ewwww, she kissed me on the lips." "Pant do you want pant go in the naughty chair pant again?"

33 minutes in: "I hate this song." "ok, pant change it." Kung fu fighting basts. "Yea! I love this!!!" Now we have dancing and fake kicking going on, with some kung fu noises for effect.

35 minutes in: "Do pant NOT pant KICK pant your sister! Pretend pant kicking"

36 minutes in: Doodle loves Justin Timberlake and turns up the volume.

37 minutes in: More fighting. Unclear what the cause is. Moo runs upstairs.

37.5 minutes in: "pant Doodle go see if Moo pant is crying."

38 minutes in:"She's fine Mom, she had to go potty. But she won't share her juice. Please Mommy can I have some juice?" Now there is violent fighting over the juice. I lose it. "ok, pant I need 6 more minutes people. Then pant juice. Pant pant you are pissing pant me pant off here. 6 MINUTES pant. PLEASE!! Pant, wiping sweat, Mommy needs six more minutes. Please (begging this time).

38-45 minutes: The gravity song from Wicked. Over and over and over. At least they were quiet and not beating each other.

Dan: "Hi hon, how was your workout?"

Edited to add: This post has taught me the following:
1. Aha! That is why Dan goes running by himself
2. I'm a wimp. Check out Julie's blog. I could never subject myself to the abuse by the Wii that she and others in her comments are enduring.
3. I have bizarro taste in workout music.