I suppose I shouldn't be surprised when someone in a conversation tells a joke or utters a discriminatory word or make a subtle dig. But I am, and always end up feeling a little hurt and angry. Hurt, because I tend to take things personally and usually I know the person speaking pretty well and angry, because, well, it's wrong, and even if you don't get that it's wrong, you should understand when to engage your inner filter and keep your mouth shut. And failing ALL that....even if you don't know that one of my family members is gay (and some good friends), and even if you don't know that we are adopting from Ethiopia, and even if you don't know that I am a feminist, and even if you don't know that my stepmother is black, and even if you don't know that my best friend in the whole world is brown, you should know that diversity is a part of my JOB! Have you not wondered why I am always the one making corrections and gentle reminders?
Anyway, here are a few of my favorite examples:
"Why a black baby?" Gee, we wanted a purple one, but they were fresh out.
"The baby's mother has at least 5 other children, right?" I love this one, especially since I have not shared the birth story with this person (not with other people, either).
"And then, there was a BLACK MAN in my apartment." Gee, not an intruder, not even a thief, but we had to specify a Black man?
"How old are your real daughters?" Hmm, as opposed to the fake one we're adopting?
"I would be afraid if I went there I would be the only white person."
"You are just being too sensitive. When the baby comes home, she'll just be American."
I've leaving out the over-the-top really offensive ones. There are also many more subtle examples but frankly, it takes too long to describe the conversations and the context to be worth it.
I despair of these conversations. I often hear how I'm being too sensitive, that the person didn't mean it that way, that I can't expect people to know better, it was just how they were brought up, etc. I am sick of it. Even though I speak up, I don't feel like I am making a difference.
I once spent 45 minutes trying to explain to a woman why we could refer to rugs and lamps as oriental, but it was offensive to refer to people as oriental. When someone has no global perspective, and is resistant to change, it's pretty difficult.
It is not to say that I am free of bias. I'm not. I'm working on it, but I'm not perfect. For example, I sometimes assume when I see a mother and child of different ethnicities, that the child is adopted. I know it is not right, I know there are interracial couples out there and count some as my friends, but it is often my first thought: "I wonder if that child is adopted." Part of my background, being in the process of adoption and being friends with far more adoptive parents than interracial couples, informs my bias. I suppose that it's better than assuming the caregiver is a nanny, etc., but it's still a bias. And I'm aware and I'm working on it. And I usually keep my mouth shut. And if I f* it up, I'm sure people like my friend Julie will call me out on it.
I don't want to be a total downer, so I'm proposing a little fun here. The folks at Harvard have developed a computer exercise, a sort of nerdy game, if you will, to help you determine your implicit, hidden biases. The have political, gender, racial, and other tests you can take. Click here to take the tests. I suggest you take them with your significant other or your friends and compare notes.
Preliminary results from these tests are fascinating, but not surprising. They show, for example, that white people overwhelmingly have a pro-white or anti-black bias but also that significant numbers of black people have a pro-white or anti-black bias. Click here for some articles about the project and its results.
Also, if any of the 10 of you who actually read the blog are brave enough to share about your test experience, I'd love to see comments.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
Okay, I haven't taken the tests yet, but I have to say that its not unnatural to wonder to yourself whether a child is adopted if they look to be a different race than their parent--what is annoying is when people SAY stupid stuff to that parent. Its not bad to notice differences in race in ways like you notice a person has glasses or a purple hat. What is bad is the absolutely horrible examples of the idiotic things people say out loud, not knowing their audience!! I cannot believe that those are the milder comments! I would never call you out on anything--you are the most tolerant, nicest kind that exists :)
I took it last semester (you know, when there were so many better things to do than study for labor law...). Moment of complete honesty here: I think the test is bull****. Why? Because it said I had a strongly pro-black, anti-white mentality. And I gotta tell ya, I don't think I do. I DO think that I was so damn terrified of it telling me I was an anti-black, racist mama to a black child that I unintentionally skewed the results. My nerves were shot by the end of the test, and I actually felt nauseous. I took it a second time, when I scored *slightly* pro-black, anti-white.
Question: Does the test force an answer to one side of the spectrum or another, or can you achieve an "unbiased" score?
I took the test and it said that I am slightly more in favor of black people than white people and that I am strongly in favor of Obama vs. McCain.
Hmmm...not too surprised. My guess for the slight preference in race is probably due to the fact that on a daily basis I am the white minority and it's been this way for years so I have many positive associations with the images they were using on the test.
And I voted of Obama so that one is pretty obvious.
I, too, wonder if the test forces you one way or the other. Could you come out with a non-biased view?
I agree with you, Christina. When I took the man/woman one, I was pretty confident I would come out a raging feminist, so I wasn't really nervous. On the race one, I was very conscious of not wanting to be the racist mama. I wonder if they've given the test to a bunch of people who had no idea what they were actually measuring...and I wonder about whether you can get a neutral rating. I might just shoot them an email and see if they reply. And Julie, thanks for the kind words, and Abby, I'll let you know if they email me back about non-biased results.
Good for you Stacey. The only way adults are going to learn that what they are saying is innappropriate is for someone to tell them. Gently or otherwise. I often use the "stare of death" when words allude me.
Heh, so glad I'm not the only one. I guess if it came out another way, I'd just make a sizable donation to D's therapy jar. :) Let me know what you find out!
Stupid people shouldn't breathe. I know that's not nice but that's a bumper sticker and it makes me giggle every time I see it. And I'm tired of people accusing me of being too sensitive as a justification for them making ignorant comments.
And my in-laws still refer to Asian people as "orientals". **cringe**
Post a Comment